Is That All You Got?

Something interesting happens when you've been to hell and back. Life challenges don't impact you as much. When you rise above what beat you down, nothing looks big. You've overcome what broke your body and your spirit and you've healed into a stronger person. You look back on your circumstances and you see how God was there—even in the times you doubted and cried out at night—and suddenly nothing can scare you.

As I mentioned previously, I am currently on a six week web development assignment. This is week four. I found out today that the funding for my position was cut with the end of their fiscal year. Worst case scenario is that tomorrow will be my last day here. It's two weeks earlier than expected.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not at all worried. My first thought wasn't "I'm just climbing out of this mess and I need this job to continue!", but rather, "God's seen me through worse and he will see me through this. Where's the next opportunity?" It's basically one of those Christian platitudes that you repeat throughout life because it's just what you say, but you don't fully appreciate it until you've had your life obliterated and restored, seeing God's hand through it all. Maybe it's just because I'm in this euphoric stage where I'm still counting every blessing that God has bestowed lately. Regardless, this challenge isn't causing me to worry and I'm left asking "life" if that's all it's got.

I actually have a couple of options right now. First, my supervisor doesn't want to let me go. He's trying to find another department to move me into where I can stay with the company. My interview for that position is tomorrow afternoon and I seem to be fitting the job description to the letter. I'd be using my previous webinar experience, plus getting back into my radio hosting background. I'm almost a shoe-in for the position. Just in case that falls through, I got on the horn with my creative staffing agency that placed me here and let them know about the situation. There might be a front-end development position at a major studio for several dollars more per hour. Again, my skill set and their job description match, so it's definitely a possibility. Regardless of which door God opens, I'll be content. And even if nothing is open, I'm sure my agency will find me more work within a couple of weeks.

So, tomorrow will be the day of truth. I will either keep working for this company under a different role, or my contract will end and I find out what else is in store for me. Obviously, I'd like to go back to my office and move forward with my development projects, but first I have to finish getting my life back on track financially. There's still cleanup work to do.

Update: I never said what happened. I interviewed for the position and I matched the job description, but they didn't want a contract person who was just there for a day job. As I was leaving, I got a call about producing a music video and everything seemed on track for that until I found out that the band didn't have anywhere near the amount of money to pull off the concept they wanted. So, patiently waiting for God to provide.

The Chains Fall Down...

The time has come for me to write the most brutally honest blog of my life. I've been candid before, but never like this. I've alluded to this issue before in posts, but never come right out and admitted to it. This is an issue that plagues so many men. Many of whom don't even see it as something wrong, yet it affects them in so many ways that they don't understand. And now that I am choosing to discuss this topic and how it impacted my life, I knowingly open myself up to scrutiny. This is the moment that you choose to continue being my friend, or you walk away and reject me because of my flaws.

For ten years of my adult life, I was held hostage to addiction. The cravings were overwhelming and nothing could help me overcome the impulses to indulge. Whenever I was lonely or sad, I would turn to it. It was my comfort and I prayed again and again for God to deliver me from it, but I was subject to the cruel pattern of sin-confess-sin-confess. I hated my dual lifestyle where no one knew of the demons I battled within. I would be honest about everything else so that I didn't have to be honest in this area. My struggle impacted every aspect of my life—from my schedule to my relationships—and it left me constantly empty and unsatisfied.

I was addicted to Internet pornography.

*whew* Okay. I feel better now. Hate me yet?

Right about now, you are probably wondering why I am sharing this today. One year ago, I had an epiphany of sorts that changed my life forever. I was sitting in church, watching a slew of baptisms, when the most random thought entered my head: my future wife must be praying for me. It impacted me so much that I tuned out what was going on around me and immediately blogged about it. At first, I thought that I was simply renewing my desire to remain a virgin until marriage, but something greater was going on.

About that same time, a series of events began to shake my world. I found myself inadvertently sabotaging potential relationships before they began and I couldn't understand why. I ran into multiple Christians who were gay and I sought out how they could reconcile their faith and their lifestyle. In the end, I realized that my flaws are natural and didn't devalue my worth. In the end, it was all about grace.

The very second that I stopped allowing Satan to condemn me for every impetuous act is the moment that God freed me from the pit of shame and I began to truly live victoriously. I'm not talking about an attitude of "I'm saved, so I can sin as much as I want," but rather that of "I'm saved and God still loves me, despite my shortcomings."

The truth was that I was being delivered away from pornography and its chains of bondage were being broken. Soon, I would face the freedom that came with true grace as the temptation and desire to relapse simply disappeared and I merely stopped craving it without attempting to remove it from my life. Basically, I got out of the way and let God do his thing.

You see, my attempts to cure myself didn't work. No Internet filter could stop me and removing the Internet access wasn't an option. Even if it was, that would have just covered the symptoms without treating the cause. The true cure was God and I take no credit for my sobriety.

The true test came in November, as I went through my month of sorrow. As I found myself homeless and hopeless, on the verge of breaking, I never even thought to go back to porn. It wasn't a comfort or a crutch in my life anymore and I simply did not need it to plug the holes in my heart. The fact that my lowest point in my life did not equal a relapse of judgment shows me that God finally answered my prayer, removed the thorn from my flesh, and reconciled my lifestyle with his will.

And if he can remove a ten-year addiction to pornography, imagine what he can do for my other imperfections. Or yours, for that matter. After all, it's all about grace.

I can honestly say that I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. It's not that I think God is suddenly going to bless me now that I don't look at porn, but I can see how this addiction held me back in so many areas. Now that it's gone, I can move forward and experience life as a free man. No more chains. No more prison yard. Just me and God. Let's ride!

What Are You Doing Here?

For the past couple of weeks, I have been working on-site for a company and assisting with their customer-facing websites. The only people there that know what I really do—develop and produce projects for film, television, and new media—are the two that hired me because I was honest about it during my interview. Aside from that, I've been quiet with it and kept it to myself. After all, that's the professional thing to do.

I guess that it doesn't take much for people in Los Angeles to catch on, though. You would think that my fedora would give me away as an artist, but it wasn't until a cubicle neighbor, Michael, overheard my phone conversations that he approached me.

"You, sir, are an international man of mystery." he chimed after I finished a round of calls to resolve problems Tania was having with her visa in registering with Central Casting and registering for a Social Security number. I'll blog about that adventure later.

Anyway, Michael goes on to tell me that he used to work for Warner Brothers and that he ran into people like me there all of the time, but wasn't expecting it at a medical device manufacturer. Then he paused, looked at me and asked, "what are you doing here?"

I just smiled awkwardly. How do I describe my situation without going into the gory details?

As the conversation continued and he kept asking questions about my other life, I went ahead and pointed him to my EPK on YouTube, which he watched twice and brought three or four people over to see as well. My attempt to not make a big deal about my producing turned into someone else doing the bragging.

Again, Michael turned to me and asked, "what are you doing here?" Again, I just smiled awkwardly.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.

The Great Omission...

When I wrote my latest blog entry, there was something that I forgot to mention. I'd like to attribute it to being tired and writing the post at midnight, but the truth is that I am simply a bad person and it slipped my mind. This is such a colossal slip-up that I'm probably going to hell for it.

Okay... maybe not that extreme, but this is a biggie of a blunder.

As I mentioned previously, February is absolutely terrible for me. Everything was crashing down and I was homeless, hopeless, and helpless for the first time in my life. In the midst of this, God had sent several people into my life to encourage me and lift me up. Without that direct balance to the negative forces at work in my life, I truly believe that I would not have survived emotionally and I would have broken.

Now, my last blog post mentioned a couple of those people: Amy and Duane. Amy's song, Lifeline, reminded me several times that—despite all of the crap going on in my life—things could, indeed, be worse. Her poetic lyrics inspired my soul into action and gave me new purpose. I also took the cue one day to write all of my blessings down, in an effort to remain focused. Duane came in, once again, with shooting and editing my new EPK. I had been needing some type of reel to show people and he came in and gave me a phenomenal selling piece. And then he introduced me to a few people and showed them the video. The reaction I got was overwhelmingly positive and I recall sitting at a table with Duane and commenting how I felt as if I had my head held under water for the previous month and I was just then able to surface and breathe calmly.

Those were the two I mentioned, but certainly not the only encouragements. I literally would not have gotten through the month without Chris Merlo. This brother in Christ pulled my butt out of the fire (financially) twice. He kept not only my cell phone from being disconnected, but also paid to keep the contents of my storage unit sold off. His selfless—and unrequested—actions eased much of my stress during the month and proved that prayer is answered.

There were others that held me up and helped me: James, with his close friendship and needed meals; Allyson, and her providing a place for me to stay when I had nowhere to sleep; Lark, for his encouragement and advice; Trisha, with her incessant prayers and belief in me; and so many more that I can't even mention.

And yet, one more I must. Something I didn't know about until today. I had been asking my friend, Jared, to pray for me during the Cornerstone young adult small group. I figured a prayer or two was offered up, but I learned differently today when I called my friend, Tim, to wish him a happy Easter.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"Better," was my enthusiastic response, which was true. I had gotten through the hell of February and thigs are beginning to turn around.

"I'm glad to hear it," Tim continued. "We were praying for you like crazy. We wrote out a prayer request for the group and have been lifting you up constantly."

At the moment I heard it, I couldn't help but smile. Thinking back to the conversation now, I can't help but choke up as my eyes water slightly. To be the recipient of such intense prayer from so many people... I'm honored. I can't fully describe my emotions, but I know that I feel loved by dear brothers and sisters who care enough to "pray luke crazy" while I'm going through hell.

To everyone who prayed for me, to everyone who encouraged me, to everyone whom God use to pull me out of my mess: thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I am grateful.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.

When Hope Is Lost...

I have occasionally referred to my "year of hell" in previous blogs. That was a twelve month period of my life—beginning in February 2001—within which I moved out of my parents' house and into a situation that tested my wits and my faith before I stayed with a close friend that nearly assaulted me, ending that bond forever. It was so filled with drama and marked an important chapter in my maturity that the only reaction to this terrible time in my life was to label it as a "year of hell" and move on.

(Note: Confession time. I stole the idea of calling it "The Year of Hell" from an episode of Star Trek: Voyager. *whew* Glad to get that off my chest!)

As life continues and I walk down the path before me, new hurdles spring up at my feet. Some of them are relational, others are financial. I've run across small pebbles and large boulders, but nothing compared to the "year of hell" until this last February, when I damn near fell off the edge of a proverbial cliff. (Note: I have decided to refer to this as "The Month of Sorrows" from this point forward. Catchy, huh? Hooray for labeling time periods of life with little ribbons and bows!)

Yes, I was in the perfect storm of life. Homelessness had overcome me as work dried up and bills began to mount. My car was nearly repossessed, my belongings in storage nearly sold off, and I didn't even have five dollars to buy myself food. On top of that, some people I worked with knew of my destitution and held back some of the money they owed me. They were supposed to be Christians, but their abusive behavior brought me to the brink of breaking as all hope of getting beyond that moment evaporated and I began to question whether I could really trust God.

In the midst of the waves and wind, God kept sending new people into my life. These were individuals that he was using to encourage me just enough so that I wouldn't fall beyond the point of no return. People like Amy and her song Lifeline, or Duane and the EPK video that he shot and edited to help promote my career. It were those little things, along with the countless other true friends that were praying for me and encouraging me along the way, that pulled my head out of the water and reminded me to breathe and kick my legs. And when the rain finally stopped, I was still swimming strong.

Looking back, I don't know how I got through February, even with the help that God sent my way. Never before had I been homeless, hopeless and helpless. This was the first time that I tasted such a bitter defeat and sank to the bottom of the ocean before resurfacing.

And yet, here I stand. My confidence restored, my creativity resparked, and my hope renewed. I look back and see how God carried me through and I ask him to never take me there again. I questioned my trust, but I never gave up asking God for help. And I truly believe that he came through and delivered the right people at the right times. I might be wrong, but that might be true faith: when you kneel before the Father and admit to him your doubts, but lay everything before him anyway.

And this has become a defining moment in my life. A time where everything was shed away so my character can be shown and my weaknesses removed. I didn't come through shining perfection. I'll be the first to admit that I responded to some events very emotionally. But thankfully, life isn't about perfection, now is it?

Update:
I seem to have forgotten to mention a couple of people in my note. While I'm busy giving myself fifty lashes with a wet noodle, head over to my new post, The Great Omission.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.

Back to Work...

Today was day one on a six week, on-site web design contract. It's a gig that I didn't think I was going to land, either. I went to the interview in my worn jeans, ripped sneakers, and faded fedora. Plus, when asked if I would want a full-time position down the road, should it be offered, I hesitated and was honest about my real profession and why I was in LA: to develop and produce television and animated content.

So, I was a bit surprised when my creative staffing agency told me that they were checking references. I was even more aghast when the call came in that I was set to start this week. Surely, there must have been a mistake, but I had been praying for God to provide some emergency income and this gig was clearly the answer to that inquiry.

As I was working with the other web developer today, I couldn't help but ask him what caused them to pick me out of the half-dozen I was told they were looking at.

"Honestly," he said, "after you left, I told them to stop looking at anyone else and hire you. You have the qualifications and know what you are doing. I could tell you would get the job done."

I was taken aback by that, but only slightly. I've gotten compliments before from people after I had finished their sites, plus I get feedback of that sort constantly regarding my producing, but I had gone into that interview literally not caring and trusting God to take care of His will in His way. Apparently, he did.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.