Then and Now...

This time is different. Actually, that's not true. It's exactly the same as before, but now I'm the one that is different. Not much time passed, but I'm reacting differently than I did before. It's not a matter of maturing, but of finally trusting God.

When I went through my "month of sorrow" back in February, it was the first time I had experienced one great disappointment after another, just to encounter my first bout with homelessness and being on the verge of losing everything. It was natural for me to be discouraged and defeated. My hope was lost and I struggled to trust God with my future because I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

As I discussed in previous posts, it wasn't until I was pulled out and able to look back upon that time that I could see the thread that God was weaving. At every point where my head was about to sink below the waves of turmoil, He lifted me up just enough to keep from drowning. Each moment where I was about to break and pass the point of no return emotionally, He stopped the attack of the enemy and gave me reprieve. Then he took me out and he began restoring me. In the end, it was all designed to teach me to have faith and trust Him, despite all I was going through.

This time, it's different. I have been homeless again for the last month and a half (and the first time was just four months ago!). I have had bills become due and then overdue. Friends and relatives question if it's time for me to give up and go home. There must be something I'm doing wrong to be back in this place again.

Yet, this time it's different. I have remained positive the entire duration to date. Last time, I was hurting. This time, I am merely struggling. Last time was hell, this time it's an inconvenience. Last time, I lost my hope and could not trust God. This time, both attributes are intact and I am filled with a joy and a peace that I have trouble explaining. I know that there is a light and that there is a path to a better day, even though I can't see it.

What I can see are the fruits and the blessings of my faith. One of them is the job that I was given. I was willing to take it, despite the distance and low pay, but was then blessed first with a bump in pay before extending my assignment an additional five weeks (from just two to seven). And then when my first check was spent on bills and I thought I would not eat for several days, a friend gave me the money needed to survive. I am trusting in God to provide and that faith is not returning void. How much more will he provide moving forward.

My prayers lately haven't been the same, either. My requests for "daily bread" consisted of enough to simply "get by". A roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back. Now, I've been bolder. I realize that my daily bread is much more than the bare essentials. It is the ways and the means to pay for all of my responsibilities in a timely manner, hopefully within the career I was called to be in. And so, my prayer is for a decent place to live that I can call my own, plus the income to provide every need I have (the last thing I need is this current distraction of finances to continually derail my focus). I'm also asking for the path to be laid out for me to finally transition away from website work and into television development, so I can fulfill my calling and create the content that is currently swimming around in my head.

Maybe this change can be summed up with saying that I'm maturing more. Or maybe it's deeper than that. My relationship with Christ is stronger than before and I live more victoriously in Him than ever before. All I know is that it's different this time around.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.