The Chains Fall Down...

The time has come for me to write the most brutally honest blog of my life. I've been candid before, but never like this. I've alluded to this issue before in posts, but never come right out and admitted to it. This is an issue that plagues so many men. Many of whom don't even see it as something wrong, yet it affects them in so many ways that they don't understand. And now that I am choosing to discuss this topic and how it impacted my life, I knowingly open myself up to scrutiny. This is the moment that you choose to continue being my friend, or you walk away and reject me because of my flaws.

For ten years of my adult life, I was held hostage to addiction. The cravings were overwhelming and nothing could help me overcome the impulses to indulge. Whenever I was lonely or sad, I would turn to it. It was my comfort and I prayed again and again for God to deliver me from it, but I was subject to the cruel pattern of sin-confess-sin-confess. I hated my dual lifestyle where no one knew of the demons I battled within. I would be honest about everything else so that I didn't have to be honest in this area. My struggle impacted every aspect of my life—from my schedule to my relationships—and it left me constantly empty and unsatisfied.

I was addicted to Internet pornography.

*whew* Okay. I feel better now. Hate me yet?

Right about now, you are probably wondering why I am sharing this today. One year ago, I had an epiphany of sorts that changed my life forever. I was sitting in church, watching a slew of baptisms, when the most random thought entered my head: my future wife must be praying for me. It impacted me so much that I tuned out what was going on around me and immediately blogged about it. At first, I thought that I was simply renewing my desire to remain a virgin until marriage, but something greater was going on.

About that same time, a series of events began to shake my world. I found myself inadvertently sabotaging potential relationships before they began and I couldn't understand why. I ran into multiple Christians who were gay and I sought out how they could reconcile their faith and their lifestyle. In the end, I realized that my flaws are natural and didn't devalue my worth. In the end, it was all about grace.

The very second that I stopped allowing Satan to condemn me for every impetuous act is the moment that God freed me from the pit of shame and I began to truly live victoriously. I'm not talking about an attitude of "I'm saved, so I can sin as much as I want," but rather that of "I'm saved and God still loves me, despite my shortcomings."

The truth was that I was being delivered away from pornography and its chains of bondage were being broken. Soon, I would face the freedom that came with true grace as the temptation and desire to relapse simply disappeared and I merely stopped craving it without attempting to remove it from my life. Basically, I got out of the way and let God do his thing.

You see, my attempts to cure myself didn't work. No Internet filter could stop me and removing the Internet access wasn't an option. Even if it was, that would have just covered the symptoms without treating the cause. The true cure was God and I take no credit for my sobriety.

The true test came in November, as I went through my month of sorrow. As I found myself homeless and hopeless, on the verge of breaking, I never even thought to go back to porn. It wasn't a comfort or a crutch in my life anymore and I simply did not need it to plug the holes in my heart. The fact that my lowest point in my life did not equal a relapse of judgment shows me that God finally answered my prayer, removed the thorn from my flesh, and reconciled my lifestyle with his will.

And if he can remove a ten-year addiction to pornography, imagine what he can do for my other imperfections. Or yours, for that matter. After all, it's all about grace.

I can honestly say that I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. It's not that I think God is suddenly going to bless me now that I don't look at porn, but I can see how this addiction held me back in so many areas. Now that it's gone, I can move forward and experience life as a free man. No more chains. No more prison yard. Just me and God. Let's ride!