Merry Christmas from AntiKaiser Productions...

Here is a little gift from AntiKaiser Productions to you:

More Than Fate...

I wrote a new poem tonight that I wanted to share with you. Those of you that know me know that I've written maybe half a dozen poems in the last ten or so years. That's an average of one every other year. With the exception of "When Silence Speaks" that I wrote for my Grandfather a year after he passed away, every poem was the result of a muse. Yes, a beautiful woman I was pining over. Tonight's poem is no exception.

Allow me to present to you my latest creation:


More Than Fate
© 2008 Aaron Matthew Kaiser

It wasn't that he wanted to
Nor was it that he tried
But as he thought about it
This couldn't be denied

Burrowed into consciousness
Thoughts of her all the time
It was as if he committed
Some seriously heinous crime

But this was not punishment
Or a sentence to carry out
Rather t'was a blessing
Something to truly shout

He could close his eyes and see
Her golden tresses flow
And her ruby lips kissing his
Beneath the Christmas bow

Her sparkling eyes enchanting
Every fiber of his soul
No matter what happened next
He wouldn't let her go

She haunted all his waking thoughts
And most his dreams as well
Hardly could he believe
How quickly that he fell

He talked of her with all his friends
This news to all he shared
And the more he thought about her
The deeper that he cared

And he hadn't even met her
For that, he had to wait
But it was clearly obvious
This pairing was more than fate

When White Elephants Turn Pink...

For the past several years, my family has had the tradition of conducting a white elephant gift exchange between adults. For those unfamiliar with the term, here is the concept:

• Step 1 - Selection: Your mission is simple. Purchase one item of your choice, retail value up to $25 (or whatever amount your group deems appropriate). The goal here is to generally try and get an item that everyone will either fight over to obtain or desperately try to hold onto.


• Step 2 - Packaging: Wrap said gift item, possibly as humorously as possible. The goal here, especially with a gift one would not generally want, would be to make the packaging as enticing as possible.


• Step 3 - Numbering: Once at the party and everyone has submitted their presents, numbers are drawn out of a hat to determine the order everyone will go in the game. When your number is up, you can either select a new, unwrapped gift, or...


• Step 4 - Stealing: This is the fun part of the game. Instead of taking your chance on a mystery present, you may decide to steal a gift that is currently unwrapped and "owned" by someone. The person who is stolen from then gets to either pick an unopened gift, or steal another person's property. The only catches are that they can not immediately steal the same gift back and each item may only be stolen three times before it can't be stolen again.

As you can imagine, this game can be quite fun. While I have heard of some families who have gotten so upset with each other that they stop speaking to one another, our family takes it in good fun. Take the image below, for instance, where my uncle's brother, Steve, got a giant, pink, foo-foo, bathroom gift basket and was unable to get anyone to steal it from him. I believe he gave it to his daughter.


Now, as I mentioned, our family has conducted this ritual for the past several years. This year, someone apparently had the brilliant idea to change things around a bit.

"Wouldn't it be great," someone must have said in a conversation, "if everyone brought homemade gifts instead of the normal $25 limit?"

Since it was a group of three women, two aunts and my cousin's wife, they all agreed that it was a brilliant idea. My mom concurred and everyone was going along with the plan until they got to me.

"Are you kidding?" I responded. "That has to be the stupidest idea that I have ever heard."

I rushed off the telephone and a text message argument ensued, where I was told that I was the only one balking and that I was just being selfish. I'd love to see the reaction when they ask the other men in the family.

The thing is, I have valid reasons why this is a bad idea:

1. Limited Time: At this stage of my life, I do not have time for something like this, especially because my personality dictates that I cannot half-ass anything bearing my craftsmanship. Unfortunately, my reason was excused away as selfishness and I actually found myself quite offended at that statement. I know my schedule. I know that I do not have the time. To give you an idea, a 12-14 hour day ending past midnight is not uncommon. That's over 60 hours each week that I am in the office.


2. It's Not For Everyone: Yes, everyone so far likes the idea. Everyone surveyed is female. I can almost guarantee that, for most men, this sounds boring and rediculous. This gives off the impression of pulling out knitting needles and embroidery kits. I'm sorry, but that's not manly.


3. No Suitable Items, Part I: This gift exchange now requires us to be creative. Since many people work in mundane positions and their only creative outlets are hobbies, it makes sense that this is special and unique for them. The problem with me is that I work in a creative industry, be it dealing with websites or developing film and television content. I don't need to stimulate my mind at home because I already did that in the office.


4. No Suitable Items, Part II: I think one of the more humorous aspects of my text argument with my mom was what gifts she was trying to suggest I make and bring. They all had to do, again, with what I have to do for a living. Since my career is creative, naturally that must translate into my gift giving, right? Well, it could, if I chose it as such. Some of her suggestions were: a DVD compilation of some of my recent work, a framed picture of Dr. von Kaiser, or website development for the winning family member. Okay, let's look at these for a moment. For me to make a DVD compliation, it is just as east for me to hit the button to create 25 copies as it would be to just create one. If I want to give my work as a present, then I should be giving it to everyone and not including it as part of a gift exchange. Regarding a framed picture of DvK, I want to know just who would be trying to fight over and steal that item. I think maybe my mom and grandma, that's it. And how egotistical would that come across?Then the website... Well, I think submitting a gift valued at over $1,000 definitely breaks the previous $25 limit, doesn't it? And it's not like anyone in my family really needs a website. It would be wasted time and wasted money on an unneeding participant.


5. There Is No Heart: The general concept behind homemade gifts is that they are supposed to add a personal touch to the present. They are supposed to say to the recipient, "you are important enough to spend time on and I know that you will appreciate my creativity." With bringing a homemade gift to a white elephant exchange, you are removing all reasoning behind homemade gifts in the first place. It's impersonal. And not everyone has the same talents, so it will be like going to a bad art fair and picking out craziest crap that doesn't mean anything.


6. Nothing To Steal: Since I don't enjoy art fairs or homemade crafts to begin with, I can't imaging enjoying opening these presents and saying, "oh, look. It's a wooden...something. What is this? Anyone want to go ahead and steal this now? I'm not going to use this. It's ugly and impersonal." In fact, I can't imagine anyone wanting to steal any of the gifts (or worse, everyone gets upset because no one wants to steal their handmade gift). Every gift will end up being decorative and, if your style is not in the homemade section, as mine is not, then you won't want to be a part of the game at all...

...So I'm not. I am personally choosing that this entire ordeal is too cumbersome, too burdening, too restrictive, and too stupid. This white elephant gift exchange has turned into a giant, pink elephant sitting I'm the middle of the room and I have my eye on it, waiting for the stampede to begin. I will simply not be participating.

Am I right in my above assessment and decision here? Or am I blowing things out of proportion?


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.

Long Distance Comforter...

How do you comfort someone that is across the globe from you?

When Nikki and I were dating and she was having a bad day, things were simple. I would make an effort to go where she was and then all I had to do was put my arms around her. I didn't have to say anything—although that often helped as well—because my presence and my actions reminded her that I was there for her and a shoulder for her to lean and cry upon.

It was something I could do. I could take action and be a hero. Now, I find myself in a situation where I am nearly helpless to solve the problem. It's not even my problem to solve, but my heart breaks every moment I think of what the person is going through.

I am referring to Tania, the girl that wrote me back on Facebook in September. Our conversations have continued, our friendship has blossomed, and we've even advanced to telephone conversations, even though she is still in Perth, Australia. Through it all, I have even begun to care for her on a deeper level, although I do not know where that path may lead, if anywhere.

Currently, I am helping her build a website to attract Hollywood talent agents, along with trying to help resolve various visa issues so she can make the move out here. I understand the pain of being unable to follow your dreams and I want to help her remove that obstacle.

In the last few days, I have seen her grow discouraged as various borders have been built up around her. Each moment she speaks in dispair, my heart aches for her more. It's practically killing me that there is little I can do for her!

She says that my words of encouragement are helping, but there is only so much I can do with an ocean the size of the Pacific between us. If not for that body of water, I could put my arms around her and assure her that everything is going to be alright and that she will be in Los Angeles soon. Then I could be her hero.

Perhaps, for now, I'll have to just settle for being a long distance comforter.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.