A Sign Of A Changing Heart?

When I moved to Los Angeles, I committed to being a different person here than I was in San Diego. Not that there was anything inherently wrong with my personality, but I wanted to curb my sexual joking and commenting and prepare myself to attract a mate.

Today, my decision was tested and tried and I was not found lacking.

Being a Thursday morning, I awoke to stunt people already jumping around and playing on the circus equipment. As the morning waxed into afternoon, one guy prepared to take off and told me a sexual joke before he left. I got the punchline and smiled, but didn't laugh out loud.

"What's wrong with you?" Asked another guy, who was standing nearby. Apparently, he found my lack of laughter to be some form of killjoy. "That was funny and you didn't laugh. I'm never telling you any jokes!"

"What?" I inquired. "I got it. It amused me and I smiled."

My response didn't satisfy the two of them and, a moment later, the original guy decided to tell me another sexual joke. I found it humorous, but again, I did not laugh out loud.

I decided that I needed to return the favor and tell a sexual joke of my own. Something that I had on reserve for just such an occasion... Nothing came to mind. I knew I had one somewhere, but I couldn't even bring it to the forefront of my brain and out of my lips! It was as if my biological storage bins had been wiped clean.

So, i just stood there with nothing to say. No innuendo-filled response or even a half-hearted chuckle. I offered no excuse or apology for not partaking in this manly ritual of jest and jaunt.

Perhaps I was just tired. I know that I do still make the occasional sexual comment and I'm still tempted to cross certain lines in my life that I shouldn't, but I looked back at this incident and began to wonder if God was blessing my commitment to live closer to Him and to emulate a more godly Christian than I used to. Is this the fruit of wanting to be the someone that my future has been praying for?

Regardless, I felt different today. I felt as if I stood out for not doing something crass in the midst of others who were, whereas I used to be the one spouting out filthy comments because I was "the crazy Hollywood person" and I had to remind my friends of that every day.

I've said before that I need to be a different kind of different to stand out in this city... and this is just the first step.


Blogged from my iPhone.

More About Being A Teddy Bear...

I mentioned in my last blog that my friend thought that I was a teddy bear. I wanted to elaborate on that for just a moment.

A few months ago, I finally met Devon in person at Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank when I auditioned for a role in a short film that she was casting (pictured above was my view as I left the parking structure that day). The role was that of a dark character who was a "mob boss" of sorts and the scene I read required me to swear and threaten someone's life (might have had to kill the person, I can't remember).

Anyway, when I was preparing for the audition, more than one person commented, "How are you going to pull this off? You are too much of a nice guy and a bit of a push over."

I assured each person that they were wrong and that they hadn't seen my darker side because I keep it contained, then jumped in my suit and drove up to LA.

Honestly, I never expected to get the role. I was just doing this for fun and didn't even think I really looked the part. If anything, I probably look more Russian mafia than Italian mafia with my beard.

I was in and out of the audition fairly quickly, a bit nervous about how I did and barely getting to meet Devon as she had a job to do. Sometime within the next day or so, I got a message from her that I "did a great job" and I found that very encouraging, but was again not surprised when I was not cast for the role.

Fast forward to today and we find Devon and I walking back from the coffee shop. I asked her about the audition, wanting to know if I really did a good job, or if she was just saying that to be nice to me at the time.

"I really meant it," she replied. "You were actually in the top picks, but you didn't fit the look. Both Sarah and I agreed that you were a good actor, but too much of a teddy bear."

"A teddy bear?" I laughed.

"Yeah," Devon continued with her patented sparking smile. "Sarah even wrote in the margin her notes 'teddy bear' while you were in the middle of auditioning."


Blogged from my iPhone.

I'm Just A Big Teddy Bear...

"Would you like a sip?" Asked my beautiful blonde friend. We had already snuck away earlier for a quiet cup of coffee to chat and came back to the club to rejoin her friends. She was sipping on some sort of a blue cocktail that I think she called an "aloha".

"No, thank you," I responded. "I don't drink. Never had the desire to, so I never have."

"That's the way I feel about smoking and drugs," she said, causing her to be even more attractive in my eyes.

"I've never smoked, never drank, never done drugs..." I leaned in closer to whisper the last part. "And I'm still a virgin."

She pulled back with a smile, the corners of her full, red lips reaching ever closer to her twinkling, blue eyes.

"So am I." She said, giving me a high five before getting up to go back onto the dance floor and relinquish the last of her energy for the evening.

Tonight, I got closer to this angel than I ever have before. I've waited months, if not over a year, to sit down and develop a friendship with this elusive creature. And tonight, my crush on her only intensifies. I don't know God's will on who my mate will be, nor if she fits in as more than a friend, but I've walked away with a smile on my face. I know she thinks I'm a teddy bear and that my smile is adorable and that makes me want to blush.

Regardless, I'm encouraged that I will find my wife soon and that she will be a godly woman like this beautiful blonde that just offered me a sip of her drink.


Blogged from my iPhone.

Frozen Twizzlers...

I have uncovered my grandmother's stash of twizzlers in the freezer, hidden amongst the hordes of frozen chocolate. I don't know why they are there, or even why she has so many treats in stasis. All I know is that they will be the death of me. As you eat one twizzler and crunch through the icy crustiness, you swear it will be all you have, but two minutes later you are digging back into the freezer for another one. I think this is called an addiction.


Blogged from my iPhone.

No Such Thing As Too Much Souljourners...

Word. They rock! This is my sixth Souljourners show and it will NOT be my last.

Glad to see Jackson back on the drums as well, and Scoop is always smilin' and enjoying himself on stage as if he's living a dream. Oh, wait... maybe he is. The entire band keeps sounding better and better each time I see them. Apparently, Mike thinks I'm cool enough that he wants to hang out with me outside of concerts and Paul doesn't like people telling him that his sister is cute.


UPDATE: Here are some more pictures from the evening, all taken on my iPhone.

All Dressed Up (In My Workout Clothes) And Nowhere To Go (And Take A Shower)...

Okay, so tonight is the Souljourners concert at the Lake House in Canyon Lake, which timed itself perfectly with my trip to San Diego this weekend. I will be representing San Diego Filmmakers at the 75th Anniversary Party of the Screen Actors Guild in Balboa Park tomorrow night and this just worked out well.

So, today was literally hot as hell in Northridge. By 10:00am, it was already 95 degrees. When I checked again later, it was 100 and supposed to reach 106 degrees. I ended up doing some stunt work today (jumped off the Russian Swing again), which I wasn't expecting, but didn't feel like jumping in a hot shower afterwards and getting dressed in jeans and whatnot.

I called Jayme up about visiting her and Brie and maybe taking a shower at her place. Why get fresh clothes all sweaty when I could just shower upon arrival?

All was fine until about 20 minutes into my drive when Jayme texted me that she had forgotten about a prior commitment and wouldn't be able to meet up with me. It was too late to turn around and go back, so I kept driving through the LA traffic towards my destination (which ended up being about three hours away).

Alright... Now I am in Canyon Lake. The Lake House is just down the street. I'm still in my workout clothes. I'm dirty, sweaty, stinky, and generally not in a presentable fashion as I normally am. I don't even feel comfortable wearing my fedora right now!

I desperately need a shower, but I don't know where I could even go. I considered the YMCA, but there isn't even one in a close enough proximity and I don't even know if that's something I can still do there or not.

Well, it's time to go down and meet up with the band. Hope they don't mind the more slovingly Aaron Matthew Kaiser. It's not my fault that I'm all dressed up (in my workout clothes) with nowhere to go (and take a shower).


Blogged from my iPhone.

Content, But Frustrated...

Can a man be both content with a situation and frustrated with it at the same time? Or are these terms too foreign in concept to each other that one must cancel the other out?

I find myself in a peculiar place. I don't mind being single for this season of my life, hence my contentment. I know that my schedule at present would make it difficult, at the very least, to sustain any type of meaningful relationship. I know that God's timing is perfect, however, and I truly believe that he will soon unveil who he has designed to be my wife. So, I'm excited, but content with my status of being girlfriend-challenged.

On the flip side, there is definately a longing to find the one. To settle down, marry and raise children has always been on my heart since high school and there is obviously a certain frustration with not knowing who I might end up with and when I will meet her and begin
our adventure.

I've posed this same question with a couple of friends and they agree, often citing that they experience similar emotions. Contentment and frustration do not have to be alien to each other. In fact, it's almost a given that one will give way to the other for a short time and then reassert itself and the cycle will continue.

I find that I am content a majority of my time right now. I don't think about being single and not having a girlfriend because I'm too busy with other aspects of my life. Plus, I have the peace about it that I already mentioned.

I do have my triggers, though. Every time I visit an amusement park and see a couple walking hand in hand from ride to ride, I get a craving. For every hug or kiss that I see take place in public, a part of me cries out in anguish. And any time I spend with my neice, Brie, or see another child acting innocent and adorable (as was the case at church on Sunday), I feel like walking up to God's desk and demanding that he hurry up.

It's not easy to temper my frustration and balance it with my contentment, but what kind of person would I be if I allowed my emotions to rule my life and dictate my mood? No, I must always look to God in the trying times and trust his plan. With how long I've waited to marry and all the years I've gone without losing my virginity, he must have a fantastic woman waiting for me.

Wow... That's the first time I ever thought that I deserve a great wife. I've always looked at my failures and thought that I'd be lucky to have anyone. God really is changing my heart and allowing me to see things as I never have before. First he reveals to me that she must be praying for me daily, and now he reveals just how blown away I will be when I meet her.


Blogged from my iPhone

God, I'm Such A Nerd...

I am sitting in the Starbucks a few blocks away from where my car is in the shop. Steve Jobs' keynote speech at WWDC begins in a few seconds and I'm scouring the Internet on my iPhone (because I refuse to pay for wi-fi access here on my laptop) for any and all news about announcements coming from the snake oil salesman. God, I'm such a nerd...

Under The Stars...

I am living in a three ring circus. Literally. The RV where I slumber is in the driveway and back beyond that is a high fall ladder, trampoline, and more.

Amongst the rigs back here is a full trapeze setup with full safety net. The other night, one of us had the great idea that it would be a good place to spend a night under the stars on a warm summer night.

Tonight is that night. James, Tree, and I are lying here, gazing into the starry night sky and chatting. Soon, we will sleep and dream of acrobats flying through the air and clowns juggling in the center ring.

How amazing is this? An opportunity to literally claim that I slept in a trapeze net under the stars. How many people, aside those who actually live in the circus, can make such a claim?

Meeting Christine Evans...

Quite some time ago, probably around a year ago, I found the MySpace profile of singer Christine Evans. I don't recall how I stumbled upon it, but I was impressed with the voice and talent coming out of this young woman... Err, teenager.

Anyway, shortly after that, a competition was announced to create a music video for the radio mix of her song "Give It Up" and I immediately planned on entering.

I wasn't interested in the prize: an 8GB Apple iPhone. Until then, I had been very critical of the device and had planned on selling it to buy a Windows-powered smartphone, had I won. No, I entered because it was a challenge and I saw an opportunity to do well and perhaps this would lead to more producing work.

Long story short, I partnered with the talented people at Brilliant Screen Studios in El Cajon and we rocked the competition (no pun intended). Our video was the clear winner and my iPhone was soon on its way (on a side note, I took everything negative I said about the device back within five minutes of owning it).

The entire time since the competition was over, I had been in occasional email contact with Christine and her manager, Ann. We discussed stuff here and there, but I never got a chance to meet them face to face... Until yesterday.

Christine is currently in Los Angeles, shooting a film where her character runs away and plays music on the streets, or something like that (check her blog for a few more details). I immediately emailed Ann and suggested we get together. She agreed and several emails back and forth and she finally let me know a day they were shooting and I could stop by the set.

I arrived as everyone was eating lunch (which looked and smelled delicious) and I sat and chatted a bit with Christine about my projects and what I'm working on up here in LA, along with how I love my iPhone that I got from her and the fact that I am a social networking whore (that comment made one of the crew members stop as she was passing by). We discussed how I lost my voice at Disneyland the day before (she had gone on Tuesday, the original day I had planned on going) and the DP shot some quick behind-the-scenes footage of us talking.

It was then time for Christine to get back to work and act. I was invited by the AD to stay and watch and I was impressed with how he ran the set. He was very nice and playful, but was in complete control and kept things moving swiftly as well. The crew was also very professional and stayed on task (something I've had a problem with in San Diego at times) and I couldn't help noticing how attractive the boom op was (actually, there a few attractive people on set). I enjoyed watching the crew work and see the similarities and differences with workflows of my past.

And then it came time for me to leave in between scenes. Christine gave me an autographed copy of her new EP (more about that in a moment) and I gave her an autographed postcard for Dr. von Kaiser. We snapped a few photos of us in Charlie's Angels poses and Kung-Fu poses on my notorious iPhone, then quick hugs with both her and Ann and I was off to my next adventure. Of course, I didn't leave without asking when I'd get to produce her in a real music video.

I promised to mention Christine's new EP, didn't I? I settled into the driver's seat and popped it into my CD player (which doesn't get much love these days, thanks to the iPhone) and was immediately impressed with the production value of the recording, along with the talent potential and the vocal power that came from the small frame I had met just a few minutes prior. Christine has a promising future in this industry and, with any luck, the "Give It Up" music video will not be my only contribution to it.


Update: Added the two other photos we took, along with some links. Enjoy!

The Oddest of Comments...

I'm currently at Disneyland. Spending the day with James (pictured above with me at Disney's California Adventure) and a new Brit friend, Camilla.

Earlier today, we were trying to figure out what ride to go on next and Camilla walked over to a planter and said, "Let's sit down and think."

I complied and sat, commenting with "yes, that way my brain is closer to my butt."

I blinked my eyes a couple of times.

"What am I even talking about?!?" I demanded before she could say a word. "That doesn't even make any sense and I don't know why I even said it!"

I'm still not sure where the comment came from. Perhaps someone can explain it to me.

When Silence Speaks...

Sunday was the one-year anniversary of my grandfather's passing (seven months after my other grandfather passed). I felt it appropriate to write something about it, but I couldn't find the words to say. Out of that frustration grew this poem. It's a little dark, but I hope you enjoy.


"When Silence Speaks"
© 2008 Aaron Matthew Kaiser

When no words will do
And no phrase will say
How the heart does hurt
With each passing day

And the void inside
Makes grown men meek
All they can do
Is let silence speak

For the life that's gone
The flame that died
Oft night since then
They've sat and cried

A branch of life
They held so close
And now they've lost
The one loved most

And then they wake
Wish them still there
And not given unto
Death's icy stare

With mouth spread wide
No voice comes through
But the silence speaks
The words for you


I miss you, Grandpa!