When White Elephants Turn Pink...

For the past several years, my family has had the tradition of conducting a white elephant gift exchange between adults. For those unfamiliar with the term, here is the concept:

• Step 1 - Selection: Your mission is simple. Purchase one item of your choice, retail value up to $25 (or whatever amount your group deems appropriate). The goal here is to generally try and get an item that everyone will either fight over to obtain or desperately try to hold onto.


• Step 2 - Packaging: Wrap said gift item, possibly as humorously as possible. The goal here, especially with a gift one would not generally want, would be to make the packaging as enticing as possible.


• Step 3 - Numbering: Once at the party and everyone has submitted their presents, numbers are drawn out of a hat to determine the order everyone will go in the game. When your number is up, you can either select a new, unwrapped gift, or...


• Step 4 - Stealing: This is the fun part of the game. Instead of taking your chance on a mystery present, you may decide to steal a gift that is currently unwrapped and "owned" by someone. The person who is stolen from then gets to either pick an unopened gift, or steal another person's property. The only catches are that they can not immediately steal the same gift back and each item may only be stolen three times before it can't be stolen again.

As you can imagine, this game can be quite fun. While I have heard of some families who have gotten so upset with each other that they stop speaking to one another, our family takes it in good fun. Take the image below, for instance, where my uncle's brother, Steve, got a giant, pink, foo-foo, bathroom gift basket and was unable to get anyone to steal it from him. I believe he gave it to his daughter.


Now, as I mentioned, our family has conducted this ritual for the past several years. This year, someone apparently had the brilliant idea to change things around a bit.

"Wouldn't it be great," someone must have said in a conversation, "if everyone brought homemade gifts instead of the normal $25 limit?"

Since it was a group of three women, two aunts and my cousin's wife, they all agreed that it was a brilliant idea. My mom concurred and everyone was going along with the plan until they got to me.

"Are you kidding?" I responded. "That has to be the stupidest idea that I have ever heard."

I rushed off the telephone and a text message argument ensued, where I was told that I was the only one balking and that I was just being selfish. I'd love to see the reaction when they ask the other men in the family.

The thing is, I have valid reasons why this is a bad idea:

1. Limited Time: At this stage of my life, I do not have time for something like this, especially because my personality dictates that I cannot half-ass anything bearing my craftsmanship. Unfortunately, my reason was excused away as selfishness and I actually found myself quite offended at that statement. I know my schedule. I know that I do not have the time. To give you an idea, a 12-14 hour day ending past midnight is not uncommon. That's over 60 hours each week that I am in the office.


2. It's Not For Everyone: Yes, everyone so far likes the idea. Everyone surveyed is female. I can almost guarantee that, for most men, this sounds boring and rediculous. This gives off the impression of pulling out knitting needles and embroidery kits. I'm sorry, but that's not manly.


3. No Suitable Items, Part I: This gift exchange now requires us to be creative. Since many people work in mundane positions and their only creative outlets are hobbies, it makes sense that this is special and unique for them. The problem with me is that I work in a creative industry, be it dealing with websites or developing film and television content. I don't need to stimulate my mind at home because I already did that in the office.


4. No Suitable Items, Part II: I think one of the more humorous aspects of my text argument with my mom was what gifts she was trying to suggest I make and bring. They all had to do, again, with what I have to do for a living. Since my career is creative, naturally that must translate into my gift giving, right? Well, it could, if I chose it as such. Some of her suggestions were: a DVD compilation of some of my recent work, a framed picture of Dr. von Kaiser, or website development for the winning family member. Okay, let's look at these for a moment. For me to make a DVD compliation, it is just as east for me to hit the button to create 25 copies as it would be to just create one. If I want to give my work as a present, then I should be giving it to everyone and not including it as part of a gift exchange. Regarding a framed picture of DvK, I want to know just who would be trying to fight over and steal that item. I think maybe my mom and grandma, that's it. And how egotistical would that come across?Then the website... Well, I think submitting a gift valued at over $1,000 definitely breaks the previous $25 limit, doesn't it? And it's not like anyone in my family really needs a website. It would be wasted time and wasted money on an unneeding participant.


5. There Is No Heart: The general concept behind homemade gifts is that they are supposed to add a personal touch to the present. They are supposed to say to the recipient, "you are important enough to spend time on and I know that you will appreciate my creativity." With bringing a homemade gift to a white elephant exchange, you are removing all reasoning behind homemade gifts in the first place. It's impersonal. And not everyone has the same talents, so it will be like going to a bad art fair and picking out craziest crap that doesn't mean anything.


6. Nothing To Steal: Since I don't enjoy art fairs or homemade crafts to begin with, I can't imaging enjoying opening these presents and saying, "oh, look. It's a wooden...something. What is this? Anyone want to go ahead and steal this now? I'm not going to use this. It's ugly and impersonal." In fact, I can't imagine anyone wanting to steal any of the gifts (or worse, everyone gets upset because no one wants to steal their handmade gift). Every gift will end up being decorative and, if your style is not in the homemade section, as mine is not, then you won't want to be a part of the game at all...

...So I'm not. I am personally choosing that this entire ordeal is too cumbersome, too burdening, too restrictive, and too stupid. This white elephant gift exchange has turned into a giant, pink elephant sitting I'm the middle of the room and I have my eye on it, waiting for the stampede to begin. I will simply not be participating.

Am I right in my above assessment and decision here? Or am I blowing things out of proportion?


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.