Shameful Virtue?

It's nearly 6:00 in the morning and I am tossing around in bed. My body reeks of garlic from the birthday feast for my friend, Tree, at The Stinky Rose last night. My intestines twist and turn in knots, processing the sheer quantity of vampire repellant, while my mind replays a conversation from the dinner table.

As tends to be the standard when talking to stunt people—at least in my experience—the conversation steered towards the sexual. A question or comment was thrown in my direction from my friend, Steve, and I responded with a chuckle and holding up my hand to draw attention to the ring on my middle finger.

"I'm a virgin, dude." I stated.

"Are you really?" he asked, shaking his head. A couple of months ago, he was the same person who told me a couple of sexual jokes and I was unable to respond in kind.

"Yes, I am."

"What are you waiting for?" he asked next. "The right one?"

I could hear the ridicule and scorn in his voice and I felt like sinking in my chair.

"Meh," came my response as I shrugged my shoulders and withdrew my prideful posture. I knew my conflicted desires, how part of me wanted to wait for my future wife—the one who has been praying for me all of these years—and the other part of me wants to jump in the sack with the first woman who will let me.

I can't explain why this topic can be something that I both hold up high, but also sweep under the rug at the same time. It makes me feel duplicious, like I'm wearing the same type of mask that I resented my father for growing up. He was quite adept at acting one way around us and another way at church and I strive to simply be authenticate no matter where I go.

Why is it, then, that I can feel both pride and shame over the same fact? Is it because of the conflicted nature of my intention and desires? Or is it because society says that I'm an outcast for saving myself for one special woman? Satan likes to tempt me by saying it's a wasted effort because my wife won't be waiting for me—so why wait for her?

I hope that I can stop feeling shameful over this rare virtue. And I hope that I can continue to endure this strenuous race until God finally brings that marvelous woman into my life. And I hope above all other hopes that I can continue to be authentic; to serve as a shining example of Christ that not everyone in this world has to walk a dark path, despite their natural desires and tendencies. And maybe, just maybe, God will reward me for waiting and persevering by giving me the desires of my heart and providing me with a love that will make every day of waiting worth it.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.