Speaking Too Soon...

Have you ever felt like you've spoken too soon? Perhaps you waited and waited for the right moment, but as soon as the words left your mouth, something happened that made them completely irrelevant?

Well, it looks like I spoke too soon. Two nights ago, I blogged about not knowing my next steps. My contract assignment was coming to a close at the end of the week—of which I was actually grateful for multiple reasons—but I didn't know where the next check was coming from to move forward and I was slightly apprehensive. I know my destination, but I've been taken on a side path and didn't know whether it was time to get back on the main road or not.

Less than twelve hours later, the next morning, I was pulled into a side office to talk. Last time this happened, it was because I was making phone calls regarding a short film I was producing while sitting at my desk and multi-tasking. This time, it turns out that the person I was filling in for would not be returning from maternity leave. Since we both know that I'm not the right person for the job permanently, they wanted me to stay on board until they can hire someone. This could be an indeterminite two to four weeks of extra work.

Why was I not excited, you ask? Mostly because I had already prepared myself mentally for the job to end and for me to move on. I was ready to be back to work in my own office and to find a way to sit and write. This threw a major monkey wrench into my plans and I had to readjust.

My first response was to pray. There are some small rooms set aside for private phone calls (the poor acoustics make them unusable, but that is another story), so I went inside and closed the door for some private quiet time with my creator. It was a request for wisdom and guidance. Was this Him opening the door, or did he have something bigger for me? Perhaps the advice I got from one of my pastors is correct: "I think that the answer of what to do next is whatever He puts in front of you."

Second, I made a pro/con list. The cons far outweighed the pros (of which there was one: money), but that was a big enough positive that I couldn't just bypass the opportunity. The subsets of that included paying bills and maybe even getting an apartment and changing my living situation, which is currently my major prayer request.

The final thing I did was to not respond immediately. I had until this morning to let them know how long I could extend my contract. In the end, I told them that I would stay the full length until they found someone (hopefully not to last longer than four weeks). Trying to convince them to give me a small bump in pay for these final weeks, but we shall see how that plays out.

So, my plans changed almost as soon as I wrote about them. Maybe if I blogged more frequently, I could speak too soon more often. You know, I'm never going to get that TV show picked up... ;-)

My Next Steps...

Life is all about chapters and eras. I think that's how God designed our brains, so we can comprehend. Something begins, then it ends and another takes it's place. Since we live in a linear universe, life must happen in a linear fashion. Yes, there can be overlap, but I think that most of us will agree that this is how life typically unfolds.

I've been in a bit of a pensive mood all evening. A small chapter in my life—an interlude, if you will—is about to end and I have no clue what is about to beset me. I know where I want to go, but these last few weeks have sidetracked me and I'm not sure if it's time to get back on the path yet, or not. Yes, I would like to, but I am sensitive to God's timing and direction.

Ask me what I would like to do after this week is over. Go ahead, I'm waiting. What's that? You want to know what I would really, really like to do after this week is over? Alright. Since you asked, I will tell you. I want to take a few days, drive up the coast and find a nice, remote motel and sit down with my laptop and limited internet connection and write. Get everything out of my system. Scripts, blogs, series bibles, treatments, you name it. And then I would come back to Los Angeles with an arsenal full of finished material (yes, I used the term 'arsenal' on purpose) to actually begin producing and getting underway.

Here are two problems with that plan: 1) I don't have the money for a trip. This client contract that is ending will serve an important role of barely catching me up on my bills, but leaves me nothing moving forward. I need a new source of income and I'd like it to actually be from the entertainment industry. 2) I don't have a working laptop, nor do I have the funds to buy one (or a cheap netbook). So, I am effectively trapped between what I feel like I need to do and what I financially am able to do.

There's another reason that I am feeling to apprehensive. Let me just say this now: I am a producer. I only build websites for money. There, I feel a little better. I am tired of this dual persona, where I have to pretend that I'm not in the entertainment industry when I'm on-site with a client (I've actually gotten talked to about my telephone conversations numerous times) while not promoting my front-end development skills the other 95% of the time because I'm trying to brand myself in a particular career sector. I already have people who only see me as a web developer, despite my numerous accolades and awards. This is frustrating and damaging to my future. It's time to move on, but I can't. I need the income.

And so I sit here, wondering what my next step is. When I look at how much money this seven and a half week contract brought me compared to how much money I was behind, it comes out almost even and I see God. I know that this is where I was supposed to be for the past few weeks. Yes, I was frustrated at times and the commute was hell, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. I just don't know what's in store for me. I question how I am paying for August bills. I seek answers to resolving my living situation, which needs an immediate change.

What I'm saying is this: the contract I am about to finish was good for what it was—getting me caught up on bills—but I need something better as soon as this chapter ends on Friday. When I turn the page, I hope to begin a new act where my past is put behind me, my future unfolds before me, and this events are only spoken of as anecdotes of how God made me stronger.

Then and Now...

This time is different. Actually, that's not true. It's exactly the same as before, but now I'm the one that is different. Not much time passed, but I'm reacting differently than I did before. It's not a matter of maturing, but of finally trusting God.

When I went through my "month of sorrow" back in February, it was the first time I had experienced one great disappointment after another, just to encounter my first bout with homelessness and being on the verge of losing everything. It was natural for me to be discouraged and defeated. My hope was lost and I struggled to trust God with my future because I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

As I discussed in previous posts, it wasn't until I was pulled out and able to look back upon that time that I could see the thread that God was weaving. At every point where my head was about to sink below the waves of turmoil, He lifted me up just enough to keep from drowning. Each moment where I was about to break and pass the point of no return emotionally, He stopped the attack of the enemy and gave me reprieve. Then he took me out and he began restoring me. In the end, it was all designed to teach me to have faith and trust Him, despite all I was going through.

This time, it's different. I have been homeless again for the last month and a half (and the first time was just four months ago!). I have had bills become due and then overdue. Friends and relatives question if it's time for me to give up and go home. There must be something I'm doing wrong to be back in this place again.

Yet, this time it's different. I have remained positive the entire duration to date. Last time, I was hurting. This time, I am merely struggling. Last time was hell, this time it's an inconvenience. Last time, I lost my hope and could not trust God. This time, both attributes are intact and I am filled with a joy and a peace that I have trouble explaining. I know that there is a light and that there is a path to a better day, even though I can't see it.

What I can see are the fruits and the blessings of my faith. One of them is the job that I was given. I was willing to take it, despite the distance and low pay, but was then blessed first with a bump in pay before extending my assignment an additional five weeks (from just two to seven). And then when my first check was spent on bills and I thought I would not eat for several days, a friend gave me the money needed to survive. I am trusting in God to provide and that faith is not returning void. How much more will he provide moving forward.

My prayers lately haven't been the same, either. My requests for "daily bread" consisted of enough to simply "get by". A roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back. Now, I've been bolder. I realize that my daily bread is much more than the bare essentials. It is the ways and the means to pay for all of my responsibilities in a timely manner, hopefully within the career I was called to be in. And so, my prayer is for a decent place to live that I can call my own, plus the income to provide every need I have (the last thing I need is this current distraction of finances to continually derail my focus). I'm also asking for the path to be laid out for me to finally transition away from website work and into television development, so I can fulfill my calling and create the content that is currently swimming around in my head.

Maybe this change can be summed up with saying that I'm maturing more. Or maybe it's deeper than that. My relationship with Christ is stronger than before and I live more victoriously in Him than ever before. All I know is that it's different this time around.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.

Finding My N.U.T.s.

I would like to say first and foremost that I have found my nuts. Or rather, N.U.T.s. There are twenty of them. I'll explain more briefly, but first I believe that I have mentioned before about my fondness for the blog The Art of Manliness. If not, well... I like it and you should to. Join the bandwagon. Resistance is futile.

Anyway, AoM is currently going through a series titled "30 Days to a Better Man" and one of the recent articles was titled "Find Your N.U.T.s." and it, moreso than the other days, jumped out at me. Allow me to quote the article on what they mean:

“N.U.T.s are your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. N.U.T.s are the things you’re committed to, the things that matter more than anything else... N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man... Your N.U.T.s are uniquely yours. They reflect who you are as a man and the man you want to be. Compromise your N.U.T.s, and you’ll compromise yourself.”

Now, I've known for quite some time what some of my core values are. I knew that I place God first, family second, career third. (Note: Actually, the exercise I went through for this made me realize that friends are third and career is actually fourth.) I knew who I was and what I was about and was confident in that. This blog, however, asked me questions that forced me to write my N.U.T.s. down and it was a really good exercise. This helps me remember who I am in those moments where I might compromise.

As I said earlier, there are twenty N.U.T.s. that I have written for myself. I would like to share them with you now:

• I will love the Lord, My God, and serve Him above all others.
• I will be faithful to my future wife, both now and when we are married.
• I am a man of my word-period!
• I will devote at least three hours a week to my writing.
• I blog about my life and walk with Christ at least once a week.
• I stay current on the news of this world.
• I will spend at least an hour a week reading a book.
• I maintain my friendships with the men in my life, despite distance.
• I do not allow my dreams and goals to be sidetracked by life's circumstances.
• I will focus on the task at hand and make every minute count.
• I am not afraid to be honest and speak my mind, but will do so lovingly.
• I welcome feedback, both personally and professionally.
• I do not compromise who I am to placate others or advance in my career.
• I am my own person with my own opinion that does not sway on a whim.
• I will plan at least three hours each week to simply play.
• Fear does not keep me from taking risks.
• I do not indulge my addictions.
• I take my problems to men, not to women.
• When name-calling begins, the discussion is over.
• I ask for help when I am not being the man I want to be.

And there you have my N.U.T.s. I encourage you to head over to the AoM blog and answer the six questions to find your N.U.T.s. Do you have more than me? It's okay to have less. Just know who you are and what you stand for.

The Land Between Insomia and Exhaustion...

It's a quarter past 3:00am. I should have been asleep hours ago. Instead, I lie in bed with my iPhone in hand and my eyes wide awake. My body is still flowing with several large cups of iced tea, whose caffeine—which normally doesn't affect me—is preventing me from finding my place of slumber.

I'm too alert to fall asleep, yet too sleepy to do much else. Yes, I'm in the awkward land halfway between the hills of insomnia and the valleys of exhaustion. I'm surprised that I've even got enough brain synapses firing correctly to write this blog. Something tells me that I won't be asleep for the next hour. If I shut off my iPhone, I'll just toss and turn and that's no good.

Of course, it doesn't help that my mind is pre-occupied with thoughts of work and money. It wonders how God is going to solve the current predicament, since the obvious path led to a dead end. The trust is still there, but there is still anxiousness for the problem to be resolved quickly.

I guess the real frustration is the disconnect between what I know I can/should be doing and what doors have been opened this far. My hopes and dreams are locked in with the long-term goal that hasn't materialized yet, but I'm faced with a short-term puzzle that requires a short-term solution... And time is slowly running out.


Blogged from my iPhone 3G.

Is That All You Got?

Something interesting happens when you've been to hell and back. Life challenges don't impact you as much. When you rise above what beat you down, nothing looks big. You've overcome what broke your body and your spirit and you've healed into a stronger person. You look back on your circumstances and you see how God was there—even in the times you doubted and cried out at night—and suddenly nothing can scare you.

As I mentioned previously, I am currently on a six week web development assignment. This is week four. I found out today that the funding for my position was cut with the end of their fiscal year. Worst case scenario is that tomorrow will be my last day here. It's two weeks earlier than expected.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not at all worried. My first thought wasn't "I'm just climbing out of this mess and I need this job to continue!", but rather, "God's seen me through worse and he will see me through this. Where's the next opportunity?" It's basically one of those Christian platitudes that you repeat throughout life because it's just what you say, but you don't fully appreciate it until you've had your life obliterated and restored, seeing God's hand through it all. Maybe it's just because I'm in this euphoric stage where I'm still counting every blessing that God has bestowed lately. Regardless, this challenge isn't causing me to worry and I'm left asking "life" if that's all it's got.

I actually have a couple of options right now. First, my supervisor doesn't want to let me go. He's trying to find another department to move me into where I can stay with the company. My interview for that position is tomorrow afternoon and I seem to be fitting the job description to the letter. I'd be using my previous webinar experience, plus getting back into my radio hosting background. I'm almost a shoe-in for the position. Just in case that falls through, I got on the horn with my creative staffing agency that placed me here and let them know about the situation. There might be a front-end development position at a major studio for several dollars more per hour. Again, my skill set and their job description match, so it's definitely a possibility. Regardless of which door God opens, I'll be content. And even if nothing is open, I'm sure my agency will find me more work within a couple of weeks.

So, tomorrow will be the day of truth. I will either keep working for this company under a different role, or my contract will end and I find out what else is in store for me. Obviously, I'd like to go back to my office and move forward with my development projects, but first I have to finish getting my life back on track financially. There's still cleanup work to do.

Update: I never said what happened. I interviewed for the position and I matched the job description, but they didn't want a contract person who was just there for a day job. As I was leaving, I got a call about producing a music video and everything seemed on track for that until I found out that the band didn't have anywhere near the amount of money to pull off the concept they wanted. So, patiently waiting for God to provide.

The Chains Fall Down...

The time has come for me to write the most brutally honest blog of my life. I've been candid before, but never like this. I've alluded to this issue before in posts, but never come right out and admitted to it. This is an issue that plagues so many men. Many of whom don't even see it as something wrong, yet it affects them in so many ways that they don't understand. And now that I am choosing to discuss this topic and how it impacted my life, I knowingly open myself up to scrutiny. This is the moment that you choose to continue being my friend, or you walk away and reject me because of my flaws.

For ten years of my adult life, I was held hostage to addiction. The cravings were overwhelming and nothing could help me overcome the impulses to indulge. Whenever I was lonely or sad, I would turn to it. It was my comfort and I prayed again and again for God to deliver me from it, but I was subject to the cruel pattern of sin-confess-sin-confess. I hated my dual lifestyle where no one knew of the demons I battled within. I would be honest about everything else so that I didn't have to be honest in this area. My struggle impacted every aspect of my life—from my schedule to my relationships—and it left me constantly empty and unsatisfied.

I was addicted to Internet pornography.

*whew* Okay. I feel better now. Hate me yet?

Right about now, you are probably wondering why I am sharing this today. One year ago, I had an epiphany of sorts that changed my life forever. I was sitting in church, watching a slew of baptisms, when the most random thought entered my head: my future wife must be praying for me. It impacted me so much that I tuned out what was going on around me and immediately blogged about it. At first, I thought that I was simply renewing my desire to remain a virgin until marriage, but something greater was going on.

About that same time, a series of events began to shake my world. I found myself inadvertently sabotaging potential relationships before they began and I couldn't understand why. I ran into multiple Christians who were gay and I sought out how they could reconcile their faith and their lifestyle. In the end, I realized that my flaws are natural and didn't devalue my worth. In the end, it was all about grace.

The very second that I stopped allowing Satan to condemn me for every impetuous act is the moment that God freed me from the pit of shame and I began to truly live victoriously. I'm not talking about an attitude of "I'm saved, so I can sin as much as I want," but rather that of "I'm saved and God still loves me, despite my shortcomings."

The truth was that I was being delivered away from pornography and its chains of bondage were being broken. Soon, I would face the freedom that came with true grace as the temptation and desire to relapse simply disappeared and I merely stopped craving it without attempting to remove it from my life. Basically, I got out of the way and let God do his thing.

You see, my attempts to cure myself didn't work. No Internet filter could stop me and removing the Internet access wasn't an option. Even if it was, that would have just covered the symptoms without treating the cause. The true cure was God and I take no credit for my sobriety.

The true test came in November, as I went through my month of sorrow. As I found myself homeless and hopeless, on the verge of breaking, I never even thought to go back to porn. It wasn't a comfort or a crutch in my life anymore and I simply did not need it to plug the holes in my heart. The fact that my lowest point in my life did not equal a relapse of judgment shows me that God finally answered my prayer, removed the thorn from my flesh, and reconciled my lifestyle with his will.

And if he can remove a ten-year addiction to pornography, imagine what he can do for my other imperfections. Or yours, for that matter. After all, it's all about grace.

I can honestly say that I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. It's not that I think God is suddenly going to bless me now that I don't look at porn, but I can see how this addiction held me back in so many areas. Now that it's gone, I can move forward and experience life as a free man. No more chains. No more prison yard. Just me and God. Let's ride!